Time to get the blank greeting cards out again…
When You Leave Your Ex With More Than That Loving Feeling
I know we have broken up
But you remain deep in my thoughts
Because I need to tell you
Get checked for gential warts
I Hear You Have Acute Angina
Boom-bang-a-bang, Boom-bang-a-bang
Sounds great in a song
But when it’s your heart
Something’s gone wrong
For The Snip
For your sperm it’s the death knell
Here’s hoping the vasectomy goes well
Time for another post to 'Verses For All Occassions'. I listened to your requests and taking on board life as a whole, here's some for your blank cards for when Hallmark lets you down.
The Exam Failure
Sorry you failed your exams
Don't give yourself stick
Because with the parents you've got
It's no surprise you're thick
or
So, you failed your GCSES
And as qualifications go
You'll have to make do
With your latest ASBO
For the Owner of New Breasts
Your face is all wrinkly
Your love life's down the tubes
But at least you can stay home
And play with your lovely new boobs
(anyone sending this to Lea will be smacked in a non-sexual, non-fun way)
Amicably Splitting From Your Boyfriend Who's Now Gay
When you told me that you were gay
It came as a mighty shock
But I wish you every happiness
In your search for long hard cock
Making Sure Your Husband/Boyfriend Understands the Rules During the World Cup
Yes, you can watch the World Cup in bed
But don't expect to be given head.
I don't mind long queues in our Post Office for a number of reasons. Firstly, I get to eavesdrop on the best village gossip. I have no idea who they are talking about but I feel the need to grasp every juicy morsel of the fact Mrs X's husband had flu at the same time Miss A, the village bike,was seen blowing her nose, therefore, QED, the two are having an illicit affair.
Secondly, if gossip is thin on the ground I can amuse myself looking at all the greeting cards that line the walls. I love the old woman who runs the shop side of the Post Office. She chooses all the cards herself and has a section dedicated to the rudest cards I have ever seen. They are round the corner though, and the queue rarely stretches that far.
No, I am more usually down the tamer side. Birthday cards for a Special Aunt, Congratulations on the New Baby etc. It does appear you can get a card for every occasion.
"From the Cat on Your Birthday" seems to sell well, yet curiously I have never seen a feline shopper in there to buy one. "To Mum and Her Partner, on Your Wedding Day". "Congratulations on Having Your Drains Flushed"
Now my pointless verses have a point. I could be on the brink of becoming the world's greatest greeting cards verse writer. Or perhaps not. So I decided I would have a new section on the blog, where I can share my greeting card verses which may just fit your situation as I cover the areas the greeting cards revolution hasn't grasped (yet).
For Jet Pilots:
I'm sorry to hear you crashed your plane,
And you were forced into an emergency ejection.
One minute you're up, the next you're down,
A bit like having an erection.
For (ahem) Confused New Mothers
Good luck in court with the DNA results.
We know it's something you'd rather miss.
But let's look on the positive side,
You'll find out who the father is.
For Unsuccessful Immigration Applicants
Sorry your visa wasn't sorted.
Have a safe journey when you're deported.
I'll take requests!
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