Backwards In High Heels

Mmm, A Woman Scorned

Yesterday I was mardy, today just pedantic but I couldn't resist this.

My cousin sent me one of those emails with photos of 'women's revenge' attached. I particularly like this one

Yeah, you hoe!  You immoral piece of gardening equipment.  In fairness she probably was as dirty as a...

Spouting Rubbish

Indeed, rubbish of all types.

One piece of rubbish that had my blood boiling last Saturday – the Richard and Judy column in the Express. A two page spread where Mr and Mrs Sofa Chat give there soundbites on all and sundry.

Judy wrote a short paragraph, possibly all of 100 words which managed to twine me so much I am still chuntering about it.

It accompanied a photo of Mylene Klass who has just modelled for M&S, appearing out of the sea in a white bikini a la Ursula Andress. Recently Mylene announced her pregnancy. And what did Judy write??

In a nutshell, that this photo of Mylene would give her something to aim back to after the birth of her baby and that knowing her as she did Judy is sure that would be the case very quickly.

Ye gods! What a mindless piece of prattle, does she not see the link between such brain sewerage and the endless fodder of the self absorbed and self loathing that frequent her interview couch? She has always wound me up when young girls are on the show and she waffles about them being princesses. Yep, let’s fill their heads with crap now to ensure Trisha and Jeremy Kyle are never short of a guest.

More productive rubbish talk. My super duper huge compost bin arrived this week (bought through the council recycling scheme for the teeny sum of £9). I have named him Fred and have already started to feed him.

Rubbish overload. Big Brother has started again and of course I will watch it. Its banal, mind numbing, predictable and irritating. I will be taken over with venomous hate of people I have never met and champion dubious fame seekers. One day the NHS will give out patches to stop the addiction but until then I make no excuses of my hideous, voyeuristic and judgmental side.

In shorthand the house has opened with 11 women. Amongst them are some rather cheering characters. Carol the 53 year old sexual health worker, peace activist and natural eccentric. 60 year old WI member Lesley who has a wonderfully dry sense of humour in the short time of viewing so far. 23 year old Welsh pit pony Laura who wants to be an embalmer. And 36 year old Tracey who is another of life’s misfits but rather frightened me at first as she reminds me of the witch from Chorlton and the Wheelies.

The other group is a mixture of youth, fluff, make up and silicone. I suspect as children Judy Finnegan told them to grow up to be princesses.

Richard+and+Judy, Judy+Finnegan, Mylene+Klass, compost, rubbish, Big+Brother, BB8

Not To Be Let Out On Her Own...

I should be, I must be, supervised at all times...

This evening I was looking at a bank statement when I spied a recent transaction I didn't recognise.  There was the name of the shop and city. The shop I recognised as a clothes shop. But I don't do girly shopping and don't go to shop in that city.

So within minutes I was on the phone in a panic and thanks to my active imagination by the time the awful hold music was on loop 2 I had figured out that some hideous wee skank had cloned my card and gone shopping to a place where one of my thighs can't fit into their dresses, just to rub salt in the wound. In fact, there were two shifty looking girls when I was paying in the supermarket the other day...

So half an hour later and after a very helpful call centre lady started an investigation I recounted the tale of the evil chavettes fleecing my card at well known clothes shop to Mum . Surely a case for Crimewatch?

"That's also the name of our dental surgery" she said. "And you paid for my check up last week. And for all the surgery is in the next door town it comes up as the next door city."

Cue new phonecall to call centre and a very pleasant woman who helped rectify the situation, well once she finished laughing.